it's been a bumpy night.

Maybe I'm being selfish here. But maybe I deserve to be so every once and awhile! If you have a problem with that... I really don't care. I think my song choice tonight is suitable... I needed something with some profanity in it (sorry Jordan) but not too much. Normally I don't care for the All American Rejects... but the music video amuses me.

I've spent yet another night crying... I'm such a sap. I'm pitiful... I'm self-absorbed and I don't give a *insert word of choice*  what you think of me.

Tonight, while playing the awkward question game, Christopher asked me, "What is the worst thing about me? Honestly." To which I replied punctuality, adding that it was getting better so it was okay. I asked him the same question... "honestly what's the worst thing about me?" An agonizing two-ish hours later came the reply....

The only thing I can think of, though it's kind of stupid, is that sometimes I feel like when I talk, you don't really care.

Me? Not care!? I immediately bombarded him with questions... I've been called a slut, drama queen, pathetic sap... but never, NEVER have I been accused of being insensitive.

And he plays off like this is no big deal. Meanwhile, I'm freaking out... sobbing into my lap. I try so hard to please EVERYBODY and people still end up being disappointed with me! I can't help that sometimes when he's talking about his "problems" it seems like I don't care... because I've got so much on my mind! I'm freaking out about getting thesis done! I'm trying to make sure that one of my BEST FRIENDS has a date to Chrysalis this year. I want to make sure that Jordan's eighteenth birthday is really special. I would really love to be able to get into college.... and on top of that, I'm trying to be the best girlfriend I can possibly be! You know something, he probably doesn't even know this, but I didn't even really WANT to go to homecoming with him tomorrow night. The only reason I agreed was because he made it seem like he REALLY wanted to go....

and he thinks I don't care.

I'm at a loss.

Jordan, to answer your question from truth or dare thursday night.... I don't know if I see myself with him for eternity anymore.

You know I always come here to complain about something.... :P I'm tired of complaining... I'm tired of discontent... and I'm tired of being hypocritical.

I'm going to need a huge miracle to get into college at this point. At least that's the case if they all want to see my SAT scores.... I know what you would say, "Don't worry, you've got so much backing you up!" but why does that still make me unhappy? I don't want things "backing me up"... I want to just be who they want, that's it. But... that's not going to happen for me.

All of this has made me realize something.... I'm constantly being praised for being this "godly" person. Today, someone described me as having this obvious sense of pride in God. How I'm unashamed of loving Him. It's true. I don't care if I get beaten down as long I can look up and see God's face. But that makes me an awful person because I know what's going on inside me. I know that I don't deserve this praise or any of the things God has blessed me with. I am unclean and severely ashamed of who I am inside. God has convicted me with it too many times to count too. I've gotten slapped in the face millions of times and I change my ways and then fall right back into sin. That is me.... the repeatedly broken.

I'm tired of it. I am REALLY putting my foot down this time because I need a miracle, I need God's grace over my college decisions. And I don't need a reason for God to be upset with me! I'm terrified. I've been crying so much lately it scares me. My heart problem has returned and it scares me so much because I don't understand what it is and my doctor seems to think it's nothing to worry about... I want to be sure of my future. I REALLY  want to go to college.... and right now that seems like such an impossible dream. Why does life have to be so terrifying?

I've really grown to appreciate Stephen Curtis Chapman lately.... it seems like everytime I'm driving and I'm feeling scared, his songs come up. "Whatever you say. Whatever. I will obey. Whatever. Lord have your way."

I can't take back what I've already done... but I really am making a change this time! I'm going to go take Mr. Keating's advise and put a note on my mirror. <3

I love you Jordan.

It kind of feels like I'm engaged. Like I know that's kind of the joke now.... like my dad, "She's engaged!" or Ashley, "You're engaged?!"

well... yeah I kind of am. That's what it means for us. That there's no longer any question of whether we're going to be together... but don't tell my parents that.... my mother has convinced herself that it only means that he promises to not be with other girls while dating me or something... I don't even know. Like we're sweethearts or something. She had this little chat with me yesterday about marriage and how I shouldn't think about it because they're spending a lot of money for me to go to college, so I should focus on that and then get a good job and THEN think about marriage. But that was our plan anyway. We want to have a good financial footing before we get married.

You know I was thinking.... with my being constantly typecast as the mother figure in all these plays.... maybe God is trying to tell me that this is what I'm meant to do. I certainly hope so.... I can't wait to have children of my own... (well... I mean I CAN wait, but you know what I mean!)

It's kind of weird.... this whole state of existence really. I have fallen so far away from where I'm supposed to be.... I've wanted to be good for so long... and I finally feel like it's happening. I feel closer to God and somehow closer to Chris... even though there's this change.

It's okay. It's great! It's so amazing....

I'm back.... I haven't had much to talk about.... well actually that's a total lie. But the things I had to say, were better left unsaid in this journal at least. A few things I wrote with my own penmanship into my personal diary.... but they are only important to me, and were written for my own personal records.

The thing I really want to say is.... last night.

There are quite simply.... no possible words to describe the evening... and no way to tell exactly how it is I'm feeling right now....

Good things of course, before you all get worried sick. I'm not dying... at least not of some incurable disease. I do feel like I am loved more than any human being could possibly be loved. My heart has melted.... and words have lost all meaning, they are simply a garbled heap in my brain....

Anyway.... today is our one year anniversary. (Chris and I... in case there was discrepancy) We celebrated last night... he came and picked me up (and met my brother... which he was oh so looking forward to.) He took me to this lovely little outdoor restraunt, The Smithfield Inn, where we ate swordfish by live entertainment. When I say, BY, I mean practically right on top of. But it was fine... we talked about a lot of different things.... I was getting really curious as to what gift he was going to give me....

We finished dinner and left... I talked a lot the whole way to the restraunt, while we were there, and on the way to the park (Bennett's Creek Park). We got there.... and it was really dark.... plus it was very cloudy, so we couldn't even see the stars we were planning on seeing.... he told me that he had gotten me flowers and that they were in the trunk. I kind of thought that was all he had gotten me... so I was a little disappointed, but I gave him my little gift. He LOVED the necklace I got... I was really worried that he wouldn't.... but he did!!!!! :D

After he saw my gifts, he leaned over and kissed me. Then he said, "I've got something for you..." and he reached into his pocket and pulled out something, hidden in his hand. He opened it revealing a beautiful ring! A promise ring. He said, "Now we never have to worry about us."

I think I'm getting better at handling them. I would be nowhere without my Jordan friend... I'm sure if it weren't for her, I would still be sitting in my car atop two cement parking blocks sobbing my eyes off. I think it's good that I was able to laugh a mere twenty minutes after my "difficult learning experience". Also known as an accident, but we're not calling it that... and if you EVER mention this to ANYONE... well I won't do anything, but I will give you dirty looks everytime I see you. Anyway... it's nice to think that my life isn't perfect or glamorous even. I'm even to the point where I'm LAUGHING at my stupid mistake from wednesday! An amazing feeling.

Jordan's assessment of me being Jane from 27 Dresses was spot on I think. I'm not everything like her... but I do see a lot of myself in her. Weirdly enough I think I'm also like Kevin.... in the cynicism department. I'm not quite the cynic he is, but I'm pretty darn close sometimes.

You know what I think... I think that I love sleeping too much. I'm always wanting to sleep in and even if I do get to sleep in, I end up taking a nap later on in the day. I usually mean to only take like an hour... hour and a half long nap, but for some reason I keep waking up like three to four hours later, really having to pee and ranting that I forgot the dream I just had. I had a really strange dream today actually.... I wish I could remember what it was about.... : [

oh well.

You know you've found your soul mate when you can say or do anything and they'll still love you. 

Well...I was going to wait until you paid me, but I guess I can trust you. ; -) my plan is that maybe someday we could get married and grow old together and always be there for each other until we someday die. That's my plan. 

This is so perfect it's almost cliche.

It reminds me of the movie The Wedding Singer when Robbie sings a song to Julia on the plane about growing old with her... that's more than I can ever ask for in life....

I told him... nothing would make me happier than having that life come true.

seriously.

:']

Realism. I don't get it. I hate living a realistic life... it's so predictable and boring. Instead I desire things.... I desire change and abnormality... to break away from the mundane. To be different is my goal! I think, in a pathetic way, I have already achieved that goal.

I must incessantly sit and ponder things of no worth in the world. If I don't ponder them, nobody will, and there would be no pointlessness in the world! How boring it would be if there were no pointless thoughts? Honestly...

Oh yeah! I just remembered something... earlier I was thinking of my proposed thesis topic... and I thought... you know if America hadn't been started by immigrants, we would all be Native Americans right now. And every country would be singularly one race. Like you couldn't go to Japan and find "Americans". But then... Americans wouldn't be the Americans we are today. The world would be a segregated place...all diversity and no unity. Each country would stick to what it knows best. Weird isn't it?

I think that some of the things that I have been led to believe, just aren't true. Obviously one of them would be that my left foot is actually MY left foot and not my brother's. That was a lie spread when I was like six. I don't think I believed it then either. But... I don't know where I'm going with this really. I just feel like people say things before they really mean them. I've done it before.... I've told someone that I loved them without really meaning it at the time. Actually.... that's happened twice now.

Oh... and I don't like that Joel knows he was my first kiss. I didn't like that he even WAS my first kiss... not my first REAL kiss... but still. I hate that he knows. And the fact that he just  knew without my having told him. I don't know why I'm telling you this. 

I need to figure out a good excuse to leave my house tomorrow.... sometime during the afternoon.... I think I have something important to do. I remember my mom saying something to me, but I don't remember what it was. Oh yeah! I do... but I don't have to do that anymore.. poo. I'll figure something out... I wanted to go swimming... but if the pool doesn't open until three... I'm not going. I want to swim laps and I can't do that if there are children milling about there.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I can't get you out of my head! I hate it... it kills me. But I can't stop it.... every distraction seems futile because you only come back once the distraction is gone. Why do I get the feeling like I'm a lonely duck in a pond of sea squids? I don't know why the sea squids...it just came to me and usually when things just come to me... I need to use them because they have some important purpose. Even though.... I'm not sure what the significance of a sea squid is....

my mom hit me with a book yesterday when I blurted out that I wanted kids. I said, "Not right now!" and she replied, "You can't have those thoughts until you're thirty!" I skulked and recovered. 

I'm bound to make a mistake... every day of my life. Usually they're small... but sometimes they're huge. I avoided a rather big one on friday... but I could have avoided it further I suppose. I guess I'm just not ready. I guess.... I do have a little purity. I may have no morals.... most days..... but I guess... sometimes purity comes to mind. Well... purity OF mind. Even though my mind is far from pure purity. ha.... that's weird to say. 

alright... into the cave of solitude I go. 

I just remembered what I was going to do tomorrow! YES!

If I had a thousand wishes that I could spend any way I wanted, I wouldn't take them.... I have too many wishes and most are selfish.

I wish I could be my own best friend.
I wish I could stop feeling bad for my pitiful life...

I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I try to tell myself that as long as I trust in God's plan for me, I'll be fine.... why can't I accept that? It's true. Yes, I do have to do things for myself... but if I keep relying on God, I won't have anything to worry about. However I will forever be living in anxiety over my next step. I'm constantly waiting for people to give me reassurance... to tell me that everything will be okay. But I want it to really BE okay.... I want to see if twenty years from now that things really are alright....

I don't know what I'm going to do. Take things in stride I suppose. Accept things as they are... knowing that I have no advantage at this point.

I'm a strong believer in prayer. I will probably spend most of my days this summer on my knees and sobbing for Christ's guiding hand.

hm... I really wish I had these words in my heart this morning while writing my last journal entry in Mrs. Mabe's class. Although... this entry isn't less depressing.... if anything my entries have been becoming increasingly more pitiful with the passing days of my junior year.

I guess one thing I can remember from today that can make me smile... if only for a moment.... Mrs. Melton said I sold myself short on my campaign for chairman. She said that I really could have won.

I guess I do have one thing going for me... I have amazing people in my life.

Someday I will learn to be amazing like them.