litl_mouse

Put your tray tables and seat backs in their full upright position....

2009-01-31T04:35:45Z

it's been a bumpy night.

Maybe I'm being selfish here. But maybe I deserve to be so every once and awhile! If you have a problem with that... I really don't care. I think my song choice tonight is suitable... I needed something with some profanity in it (sorry Jordan) but not too much. Normally I don't care for the All American Rejects... but the music video amuses me.

I've spent yet another night crying... I'm such a sap. I'm pitiful... I'm self-absorbed and I don't give a *insert word of choice* what you think of me.

Tonight, while playing the awkward question game, Christopher asked me, "What is the worst thing about me? Honestly." To which I replied punctuality, adding that it was getting better so it was okay. I asked him the same question... "honestly what's the worst thing about me?" An agonizing two-ish hours later came the reply....

The only thing I can think of, though it's kind of stupid, is that sometimes I feel like when I talk, you don't really care.

Me? Not care!? I immediately bombarded him with questions... I've been called a slut, drama queen, pathetic sap... but never, NEVER have I been accused of being insensitive.

And he plays off like this is no big deal. Meanwhile, I'm freaking out... sobbing into my lap. I try so hard to please EVERYBODY and people still end up being disappointed with me! I can't help that sometimes when he's talking about his "problems" it seems like I don't care... because I've got so much on my mind! I'm freaking out about getting thesis done! I'm trying to make sure that one of my BEST FRIENDS has a date to Chrysalis this year. I want to make sure that Jordan's eighteenth birthday is really special. I would really love to be able to get into college.... and on top of that, I'm trying to be the best girlfriend I can possibly be! You know something, he probably doesn't even know this, but I didn't even really WANT to go to homecoming with him tomorrow night. The only reason I agreed was because he made it seem like he REALLY wanted to go....

and he thinks I don't care.

I'm at a loss.

Jordan, to answer your question from truth or dare thursday night.... I don't know if I see myself with him for eternity anymore.

The everflowing abyss of my life....

2008-10-31T17:24:24Z

You know I always come here to complain about something.... :P I'm tired of complaining... I'm tired of discontent... and I'm tired of being hypocritical.

I'm going to need a huge miracle to get into college at this point. At least that's the case if they all want to see my SAT scores.... I know what you would say, "Don't worry, you've got so much backing you up!" but why does that still make me unhappy? I don't want things "backing me up"... I want to just be who they want, that's it. But... that's not going to happen for me.

All of this has made me realize something.... I'm constantly being praised for being this "godly" person. Today, someone described me as having this obvious sense of pride in God. How I'm unashamed of loving Him. It's true. I don't care if I get beaten down as long I can look up and see God's face. But that makes me an awful person because I know what's going on inside me. I know that I don't deserve this praise or any of the things God has blessed me with. I am unclean and severely ashamed of who I am inside. God has convicted me with it too many times to count too. I've gotten slapped in the face millions of times and I change my ways and then fall right back into sin. That is me.... the repeatedly broken.

I'm tired of it. I am REALLY putting my foot down this time because I need a miracle, I need God's grace over my college decisions. And I don't need a reason for God to be upset with me! I'm terrified. I've been crying so much lately it scares me. My heart problem has returned and it scares me so much because I don't understand what it is and my doctor seems to think it's nothing to worry about... I want to be sure of my future. I REALLY want to go to college.... and right now that seems like such an impossible dream. Why does life have to be so terrifying?

I've really grown to appreciate Stephen Curtis Chapman lately.... it seems like everytime I'm driving and I'm feeling scared, his songs come up. "Whatever you say. Whatever. I will obey. Whatever. Lord have your way."

I can't take back what I've already done... but I really am making a change this time! I'm going to go take Mr. Keating's advise and put a note on my mirror. <3

I love you Jordan.

How you know.

2008-10-14T00:33:31Z

It kind of feels like I'm engaged. Like I know that's kind of the joke now.... like my dad, "She's engaged!" or Ashley, "You're engaged?!"

well... yeah I kind of am. That's what it means for us. That there's no longer any question of whether we're going to be together... but don't tell my parents that.... my mother has convinced herself that it only means that he promises to not be with other girls while dating me or something... I don't even know. Like we're sweethearts or something. She had this little chat with me yesterday about marriage and how I shouldn't think about it because they're spending a lot of money for me to go to college, so I should focus on that and then get a good job and THEN think about marriage. But that was our plan anyway. We want to have a good financial footing before we get married.

You know I was thinking.... with my being constantly typecast as the mother figure in all these plays.... maybe God is trying to tell me that this is what I'm meant to do. I certainly hope so.... I can't wait to have children of my own... (well... I mean I CAN wait, but you know what I mean!)

It's kind of weird.... this whole state of existence really. I have fallen so far away from where I'm supposed to be.... I've wanted to be good for so long... and I finally feel like it's happening. I feel closer to God and somehow closer to Chris... even though there's this change.

It's okay. It's great! It's so amazing....

The moments to take note of....

2008-10-13T00:13:51Z

I'm back.... I haven't had much to talk about.... well actually that's a total lie. But the things I had to say, were better left unsaid in this journal at least. A few things I wrote with my own penmanship into my personal diary.... but they are only important to me, and were written for my own personal records.

The thing I really want to say is.... last night.

There are quite simply.... no possible words to describe the evening... and no way to tell exactly how it is I'm feeling right now....

Good things of course, before you all get worried sick. I'm not dying... at least not of some incurable disease. I do feel like I am loved more than any human being could possibly be loved. My heart has melted.... and words have lost all meaning, they are simply a garbled heap in my brain....

Anyway.... today is our one year anniversary. (Chris and I... in case there was discrepancy) We celebrated last night... he came and picked me up (and met my brother... which he was oh so looking forward to.) He took me to this lovely little outdoor restraunt, The Smithfield Inn, where we ate swordfish by live entertainment. When I say, BY, I mean practically right on top of. But it was fine... we talked about a lot of different things.... I was getting really curious as to what gift he was going to give me....

We finished dinner and left... I talked a lot the whole way to the restraunt, while we were there, and on the way to the park (Bennett's Creek Park). We got there.... and it was really dark.... plus it was very cloudy, so we couldn't even see the stars we were planning on seeing.... he told me that he had gotten me flowers and that they were in the trunk. I kind of thought that was all he had gotten me... so I was a little disappointed, but I gave him my little gift. He LOVED the necklace I got... I was really worried that he wouldn't.... but he did!!!!! :D

After he saw my gifts, he leaned over and kissed me. Then he said, "I've got something for you..." and he reached into his pocket and pulled out something, hidden in his hand. He opened it revealing a beautiful ring! A promise ring. He said, "Now we never have to worry about us."

LEARN.

2008-08-05T00:30:08Z

I have learned something very interesting and very frightening.

When asked to speak to a group of high school girls in a youth group about sex, author Lisa Bevere prayed for God's guidance on the subject matter... she was worried most about what she would say when one of them would ask How far is too far?

The Holy Spirit gave her an answer that surprised her... He said....

"You are looking for rules to restrict their behavior. Rules will not keep them. The empowerment they need must be born out of relationship. Change your focus from what they can't do to what they can do. Tell them they can go as far with their boyfriends as they are comfortable doing in front of their fathers. For fathers are the protector and guardian of the virtue for daughters."

I have to say, I felt ashamed and heart broken last night. I cried into my pillow and just sat staring at the ceiling for over an hour before I finally fell asleep. There's nothing I can do about my past at this point... the only thing I have going for me is what lies ahead. I have obstacles to overcome and I will embrace them as best I can.

What Ashley said (which was directed towards me more than Sarah)... about what I would think if I ended up marrying someone else... has really gotten to me. Both Chris and I have been so set on the idea of us getting married...
But I have thought about it... I mean what if we don't end up together... we break up. I take up a relationship with another guy... what I've done with Chris cannot be erased. And possibly...
not forgiven.

I think I've been getting way ahead of myself with all of this. I ought to be focusing on SATs and college prep. I shouldn't even be thinking about marriage. I should be focusing on what my life is going to be... what career I'm going to take... making sure that what my major is will actually get me a decent job. Make a comfortable lifestyle for myself and then get married.
GOD HELP ME why is this happening all over again?

Honestly... part of me doesn't want the end of this week to come... who knows what drama is going to spark by Sunday?

I need a hug.

Difficulties...

2008-07-04T02:08:27Z

I think I'm getting better at handling them. I would be nowhere without my Jordan friend... I'm sure if it weren't for her, I would still be sitting in my car atop two cement parking blocks sobbing my eyes off. I think it's good that I was able to laugh a mere twenty minutes after my "difficult learning experience". Also known as an accident, but we're not calling it that... and if you EVER mention this to ANYONE... well I won't do anything, but I will give you dirty looks everytime I see you. Anyway... it's nice to think that my life isn't perfect or glamorous even. I'm even to the point where I'm LAUGHING at my stupid mistake from wednesday! An amazing feeling.

Jordan's assessment of me being Jane from 27 Dresses was spot on I think. I'm not everything like her... but I do see a lot of myself in her. Weirdly enough I think I'm also like Kevin.... in the cynicism department. I'm not quite the cynic he is, but I'm pretty darn close sometimes.

You know what I think... I think that I love sleeping too much. I'm always wanting to sleep in and even if I do get to sleep in, I end up taking a nap later on in the day. I usually mean to only take like an hour... hour and a half long nap, but for some reason I keep waking up like three to four hours later, really having to pee and ranting that I forgot the dream I just had. I had a really strange dream today actually.... I wish I could remember what it was about.... : [

oh well.

I've got soul.

2008-06-16T01:55:51Z

You know you've found your soul mate when you can say or do anything and they'll still love you.

Absolute perfection.

2008-06-13T02:37:42Z

Well...I was going to wait until you paid me, but I guess I can trust you. ; -) my plan is that maybe someday we could get married and grow old together and always be there for each other until we someday die. That's my plan.

This is so perfect it's almost cliche.

It reminds me of the movie The Wedding Singer when Robbie sings a song to Julia on the plane about growing old with her... that's more than I can ever ask for in life....

I told him... nothing would make me happier than having that life come true.

seriously.

:']

The Realistically Unrealistic One.

2008-06-09T02:21:15Z

Realism. I don't get it. I hate living a realistic life... it's so predictable and boring. Instead I desire things.... I desire change and abnormality... to break away from the mundane. To be different is my goal! I think, in a pathetic way, I have already achieved that goal.

I must incessantly sit and ponder things of no worth in the world. If I don't ponder them, nobody will, and there would be no pointlessness in the world! How boring it would be if there were no pointless thoughts? Honestly...

Oh yeah! I just remembered something... earlier I was thinking of my proposed thesis topic... and I thought... you know if America hadn't been started by immigrants, we would all be Native Americans right now. And every country would be singularly one race. Like you couldn't go to Japan and find "Americans". But then... Americans wouldn't be the Americans we are today. The world would be a segregated place...all diversity and no unity. Each country would stick to what it knows best. Weird isn't it?

I think that some of the things that I have been led to believe, just aren't true. Obviously one of them would be that my left foot is actually MY left foot and not my brother's. That was a lie spread when I was like six. I don't think I believed it then either. But... I don't know where I'm going with this really. I just feel like people say things before they really mean them. I've done it before.... I've told someone that I loved them without really meaning it at the time. Actually.... that's happened twice now.

Oh... and I don't like that Joel knows he was my first kiss. I didn't like that he even WAS my first kiss... not my first REAL kiss... but still. I hate that he knows. And the fact that he just knew without my having told him. I don't know why I'm telling you this.

I need to figure out a good excuse to leave my house tomorrow.... sometime during the afternoon.... I think I have something important to do. I remember my mom saying something to me, but I don't remember what it was. Oh yeah! I do... but I don't have to do that anymore.. poo. I'll figure something out... I wanted to go swimming... but if the pool doesn't open until three... I'm not going. I want to swim laps and I can't do that if there are children milling about there.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I can't get you out of my head! I hate it... it kills me. But I can't stop it.... every distraction seems futile because you only come back once the distraction is gone. Why do I get the feeling like I'm a lonely duck in a pond of sea squids? I don't know why the sea squids...it just came to me and usually when things just come to me... I need to use them because they have some important purpose. Even though.... I'm not sure what the significance of a sea squid is....

my mom hit me with a book yesterday when I blurted out that I wanted kids. I said, "Not right now!" and she replied, "You can't have those thoughts until you're thirty!" I skulked and recovered.

I'm bound to make a mistake... every day of my life. Usually they're small... but sometimes they're huge. I avoided a rather big one on friday... but I could have avoided it further I suppose. I guess I'm just not ready. I guess.... I do have a little purity. I may have no morals.... most days..... but I guess... sometimes purity comes to mind. Well... purity OF mind. Even though my mind is far from pure purity. ha.... that's weird to say.

alright... into the cave of solitude I go.

I just remembered what I was going to do tomorrow! YES!

Disassembled.

2008-05-30T00:00:41Z

If I had a thousand wishes that I could spend any way I wanted, I wouldn't take them.... I have too many wishes and most are selfish.

I wish I could be my own best friend.
I wish I could stop feeling bad for my pitiful life...

I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I try to tell myself that as long as I trust in God's plan for me, I'll be fine.... why can't I accept that? It's true. Yes, I do have to do things for myself... but if I keep relying on God, I won't have anything to worry about. However I will forever be living in anxiety over my next step. I'm constantly waiting for people to give me reassurance... to tell me that everything will be okay. But I want it to really BE okay.... I want to see if twenty years from now that things really are alright....

I don't know what I'm going to do. Take things in stride I suppose. Accept things as they are... knowing that I have no advantage at this point.

I'm a strong believer in prayer. I will probably spend most of my days this summer on my knees and sobbing for Christ's guiding hand.

hm... I really wish I had these words in my heart this morning while writing my last journal entry in Mrs. Mabe's class. Although... this entry isn't less depressing.... if anything my entries have been becoming increasingly more pitiful with the passing days of my junior year.

I guess one thing I can remember from today that can make me smile... if only for a moment.... Mrs. Melton said I sold myself short on my campaign for chairman. She said that I really could have won.

I guess I do have one thing going for me... I have amazing people in my life.

Someday I will learn to be amazing like them.

The Greatest Achievement.

2008-05-08T00:48:36Z

Trials and tribulations.... I've always somewhat found those words interesting. Especially the word tribulations.... it almost seems like it should be a happy word...but it isn't. It means great affliction or distress; suffering.

I don't really feel like I'm suffering. I don't feel drowned in sorrows. I don't feel anything really.....

I guess... I'm disappointed... mainly with myself. With my inability to learn ANYTHING from my greatest mistakes. I could make the same mistake a thousand times and still not see what God is trying to teach me through it. I think I may have to get into the habit of listening. Even to the gentle breeze outside my window.... it's so beautiful and so peaceful outside tonight.... I'm jealous of the nighttime air... I want to be beautiful and peaceful. Alas... darkness and woe always clouds my life and makes it difficult to smile sometimes.

But perhaps I'm being overly dramatic. There's really only one comfort I want right now... and he's the cause of my deep affliction. I don't know what I'm going to do... it seems like all my plans of action are failing before my eyes. I won't be surprised if he doesn't come to the play at all. And I'm sure on some level... that will break my heart. Somehow... I feel completely alone right now. My stupid daydreams have gotten the better of me.

Obviously.... there's no point in imagining the future... you may as well stop now because you'll only end up losing your mind on the way.

I have now finally come to the realization that life is not perfect. It never will be. ever. In fact, it may well be everything you wish it not to be. I don't want to discourage... but I can't help it. I'm discouraged. I'm broken. But in my brokenness I will seek Your face. Or at least strive to get as close as I can to touching faith. REAL faith. REAL love. REAL truth. Because everything else around me seems to be lies.

If all I am is all of You. Then that is all I want to be.

Elation.

2008-05-03T00:11:58Z

It is the most prized of all things. At least it ought to be... what's the point in dwelling in sorrows? Things that are so unimportant, things that have past. I say, live for joy!!!!! Live life for the moments that actually define you, the moments when you're smiling!

I have been so wrapped up in stress that I have forgotten that I have to laugh once in awhile! Stop and not only smell the roses, but pick the roses too! I never thought that I would lose touch with happiness... but for awhile it seemed like some distant impossible thing to get to except through the debris of broken promises and mass upon mass of work to be done.

I have to say... I really never get tired of the surprises that God has been throwing at me. Today... He gave me a BIG one. Someone nominated me for Chairman. I think it was Brian... it was so weird... I heard someone shout my name (someone who sounded like Brian...) but I didn't realize that they had nominated me until everyone around me was staring at me. "What?" I asked. "You just got nominated." "WHAT?!"
I'm pretty sure that I won't win. I won't mind at all if I don't. But I won't mind at all if I do win. I'm going to have to start making posters.... I asked Sarah to be my campaign manager. : ] she came up with some niffty slogans. I think I'm basically going to wing it at my speech in two weeks... we only have a minute. I have a pretty good idea what I'll say though. You'll see. ; ]

Also today... I was reassured that one of my biggest purposes in life is going to be having children. It's like this burning sensation inside me. Mrs. Berry's sister came to speak to us in Spanish class about missionary work. She brought her nine month old daughter with her. She was so adorable! I couldn't keep my eyes off of her.... and it just made me feel like that is what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to be a mother. I've known it for a very long time... I'm going to find a way to have children some day... even if I have to adopt them.

well... I think I should go.... this is going to be a long and hard week.... : [

litl_mouse @ 2008-04-24T20:22:00

2008-04-25T00:22:35Z

all my perfect days had to end sometime....

today was awful.

That is all.

my toe hurts... :'(

The passionate secret.

2008-04-23T23:32:21Z

I am feeling unusually philosophical right now. Every time I read Jordan's entries, I'm inspired to write my own. Thanks love. <3

Today was not one of my favorite days. I had a lot of agitation built up in me... mostly because I am and always will be my mother's daughter. I was late to school... this was like the end of the world to me. I'm never late for anything. Besides being late for drama... I stayed after to buy tickets from Miss Cribb and was late for mentoring. I wasn't even going to get a note, but Mrs. Walton made me. She made a point to tell me that I'd merely put a black spot on my perfect record... a low blow to my confidence.

I suppose I took my agitation out on a friend. I guess I shouldn't say she deserved it... but..... anyway... I'm glad I cooled off. I don't much enjoy being mad at people.... or them being mad at me for that instance. But the latter I can handle. I like to consider myself "tough as nails" in the area of people being angry with me. I'm kind of used to it.... after the occurences in eighth grade with some "friends" I think I can pretty much handle anything.

I always thought that life could be perfect... that I could just sit back and relax (with the extreme exception of school work, on which I work very diligently), but all this talk about jobs and stuff... makes me realize that I am going to have to work. The next time I'm at Applebee's I'm getting another application. I may work two jobs this summer if I can manage. At least during the week... I'll have the weekends to do whatever. I still have to talk to my parents about that. But I could get a day job at Applebee's and work the night shifts at Wal-Mart... they're both really close to my house, so gas won't be too much of a problem for me. I don't know. I haven't really made up my mind yet. We'll just have to see.

I think I'm going to go work on something.... perhaps study for SATs.... or do Bible questions.... bleh.

We are the doomed flowers.

2008-04-11T00:33:35Z

Hello.

I don't really have much to say.... It has been a very busy week.... I hardly have time to breathe. This quarter is going to be so hard.... I'm a little scared. Actually I'm really worried about SAT's. I'm supposed to go into them like it's the last time I'm taking them... and if I don't do well... I'll be going to a community college!!!! :O!!!! terrified....

I ought to study more.... I'm really going to hard core study tomorrow night and this weekend.... I really want to do really well... I want to prove the SAT sheet thing that said I could only do eighty points better..... I have to do two hundred points better. I believe I can do it though. I'm trying to remain confident.

Hm.... well. I think I will talk about today's journal entry in English class. We were supposed to use the list of virtues that Benjamin Franklin wrote in his autobiography. We had to pick one or two that were the most important in our teenage lives. I chose Silence and Tranquility.

Silence has been a problem for me since Mr. Fielding pried me open in ninth grade. I've been talking loudly and obnoxiously ever since. But that is also a big problem for me. Sometimes I say things that I immediately regret saying... and I've really got to work on that. Tranquility is also a problem for me because I often get hurt by stupid things that people say and in turn I might say something cold back. I just need to learn to be at peace about things...so I guess I should be more at peace about SATs then too.... ha...

hm... what else to talk about.... there really isn't anything new to report. Kind of sad.... I lead a rather boring life I suppose.

weak in the knees

2008-04-04T01:49:35Z

A dear friend of mine asked me last week if I was in love. "Yes." I replied. But then she asked me how I knew... and I don't think I did my answer good justice.... so.... this is how I know that I am in love with Christopher O'Neil Mitchell:

-I cannot stop thinking about him. All hours of the day... not that I would ever want to stop.
-I find myself unable to speak at times... becoming so enraptured by his eyes.
-When I'm with him... lying still in his arms, I can feel my heart pounding to the rhythm of his own.
-Not being with him for an entire month, literally tore me to shreds and thinking of it now brings tears to my eyes.
-Kissing him is like kissing the sun and seeing the stars on a clear blue night. All at once I feel what seems like rain from Heaven.
-When he is in the room, I can just sense him... I always know he's there.
-Everything he says seems like poetry.
-Sometimes I find it hard to breathe when the thought of him comes to mind.
-The thought of not having him in my life... breaks me in two.

I just know... that this is going to last.

"I don't know. Maybe a house in the mountains in a nice small community where we could live."

Old and News.

2008-04-01T21:12:41Z

Sitting here alone in my room.... my mind on randomize and repeat, music playing from a battered ipod on my desk.... I'm thinking of you.

Everything's in haze....and I can't help but wonder constantly if I'm dreaming. Everytime I wake from a most perfect dream I think... wait, was that real? Or is this real? Oh the impossibilities....

More and more I seem to be turning into this cynical and sarcastic person. I find myself doing it constantly.... Whenever something bad happens, it's like the end of the world.... and when I'm upset with someone, everything that comes out of my mouth is dripping with sarcasm. I'm not sure where it's coming from. Perhaps it's because I've been living in my dream world where perfection runs rampant and then something happens to corrupt my perfect world. I know, of course, that my life is not perfect... but it seems my love life is. Maybe that's a little conceited... my love life isn't perfect. But it certainly does seem divinely placed.

I wonder what God wants me to do with what He's given me. There has to be some higher purpose for Chris and I.... how else could the beginning of our relationship even have occurred without God intervening. It's just not possible! Our first date should have never happened, but it did. But perhaps I'm looking too much into this.... what if the only reason God made the two of us work was so that Reid and Sarah would work? I don't know. Maybe there are several reasons why God made this happen....

: ] well... I may not know the answers to my many questions for a really long time.... so for now I'll say

Thank God for you, Chris. Thank you so much. <3

The Progression.

2008-03-30T17:07:51Z

Simply put. Last night was pretty awesome.

My parent's actually trusted me to drive to Harborview by myself. I was ten minutes early.... I'm just so much like my mother I suppose. ;D

I was going to sit and wait until I saw Sarah's car... but finally I decided to just get out and go wait... When I got out I saw Chris standing outside. I was really happy that he was early for once... ; ]

A few minutes later I got a call from Sarah saying that they were going to be late. So Chris and I got their tickets and since it was really cold outside, we decided to go ahead and get a table in Cogan's. It was about five thirty now and Sarah was on her way... there had been a little mix up with her and Reid, so he was coming separately. Reid came with Bobby and they were forty-five minutes late....

Chris and I had already eaten our part of the pizza, so we just sat while the others ate. It was decided that we would try to go trade out our tickets that were for the movie 21 because Reid found out that it was a really bad movie, so Bobby (being the brave one...) went and exchanged our tickets for Run, Fat Boy, Run. That actually turned out to be a REALLY funny movie. I loved it... personally.

After the movie we all went to Coldstone and Chris and I shared a chocolate milkshake. We all laughed over random things.... like Bobby's reply to when we said "Coffee". Omg.... his was the best... he said, "A little cup with a spoon thing sticking out." oh we were all just dying! It was so funny.... I went to the bathroom, but I could still hear everything they were saying outside. I came out and was like, "You guys are SO loud." so we decided to leave so that people could eat their icecreams in peace.

Last night was a lovely night I must say.... : ]

in good humor.

2008-03-14T14:27:54Z

I didn't even post an entry about my birthday. I'm seventeen... and I don't feel any different. Except Reid keeps asking me what 'R' rated movie I'm taking him to see. laugh.

Anyway... my birthday was grand. It really reminded me of how much I'm loved. The fact that dear Christopher was going to send me lilies says a lot about how much I'm loved. I knew I shouldn't have told him my favorite flower.... I knew he would try to get them for me and I knew they were massively expensive. I'm glad he didn't send them. I told him, "Flowers die. And our love will last forever. That's all I want." Which, now that I think about it, is really cliche. :[ oh well... :D

hm... I really miss the seniors. If they were here... I wouldn't have so much responsibility!! my goodness. But it's okay... I feel like I'm getting more mature with all this. I'm trying to be positive. I like my job... but yesterday was so LONG. I'm kind of glad I'm sick though because to be honest, I wasn't ready for my Chemistry test. I'm going to see if I can take it during my Tuesday study hall, that way I won't miss work on Tuesday or Wednesday afternoon and I won't miss drama Thursday morning. We'll see.

I've got to go up to the school this afternoon to get my notebooks.... I'm kind of scared that they'll be like, "WHY ARE YOU HERE AND WHY WERE YOU NOT AT SCHOOL!!!???" But hopefully they won't. I actually was legitimately sick today. : [

Yeah... I'm going to go now... drink some liquids!

Living and breathing the ever-present now.

2008-03-04T22:32:56Z

Before I begin the hardcore studying of all things American Literature... I must confess my life as of now to my little journal.

Simplicity seems to be the way to go right now. If I try to make my life complex, it will be so complex that it will fall apart. I never thought I was really good at multi-tasking, but obviously I have to be. In order to get through the day, I have to think of so many different things at once. Of course I'm sure I could function just fine without some of the things I keep inside my mind at all times. The temptation to wander off in my head is always looming over me. Always on my mind, Chris. Sometimes I forget how much he means to me. I couldn't even describe it in words. We have finally had a hardship between us... and yet, that just made me love him more. It makes me realize that he actually isn't perfect. I still think he is though. He just fell right out of it so quickly. He just has this perfect way of being who he is... he always knows just what to say... even when he gets too shy to say it. Sometimes I wish I could just read his mind so he wouldn't have to say things when he doesn't want to.

I think I might die if I can't see him soon... he said something this morning about not being able to get together for another three weekends... he's going to give me the details later tonight... but... I don't know. I hope we can work something out. He told me last night that he has a surprise for me that he thinks I'll like. I've been trying really hard to figure out what it is.... I have to somehow drag it out of him. Especially if I won't get to find out for a really long time, I think I deserve to know about it at least, don't you?

It seemed like I had so much work to do this evening, but I managed to finish basically everything in about forty-five minutes. I still need to study for American Lit... but besides that, I just need help with Chemistry tomorrow during study hall and I'm fine. <3

I keep having these dreams about Chris... and I wish they would go away sometimes because it seems so hopelessly stupid to hold on to things that couldn't possibly happen. Anyway... I think I'll go study now. Love! (Elinor)

Can I keep you?

2008-03-03T00:45:41Z

All to myself? Just for awhile... I promise I'll give you back to the world someday.

I think... the day you stop making me happy, I'll be the most depressed girl in the whole world. Even when you make me angry, you make me happy. Your pleading apologies. Even the way you misspell things.... a lot. I never say anything. In fact... the way you spell awful as awefull... really makes me laugh. : ]

I have never really been sure of anything in my whole life. Never sure where each day would take me... never sure what effect the little things I disregard will take on my life. I know that everyone I have ever met has somehow affected me. Some of those people I'm still not sure how they've impacted me. Or why, for that matter, I chose to let them influence me. I kind of REALLY miss Erik. I think that the next time I see him I'm going to hug him and not let him go for awhile. He's one of the people in my life that I couldn't imagine not having. He's been such a blessing. I think something I'm going to do from now on... is acknowledge people. I'm going to say hi to different people now. I think I really need to do what Mrs. Grider told us we should do... to talk to someone who might think themselves as invisible.

I'm going to encourage other people to do that too... so if you see an invisible person (no pun intended), make them feel loved! That's all they want anyway, for someone to know that they are alive. You never know what that could do for them. You just might save their life.

Forgiveness.

2008-03-02T17:00:49Z

Is a very important thing. It is not only important to forgive others of the things that they may have done, but it is also important to forgive yourself.

Yeah that's kind of it.

I don't feel like talking about SATs. Seeing as it is illegal for me to say anything about them anyway. I don't think I did really well on them. Seems like I guessed on a lot of things. I was talking to Chris about them later... and he said he was extremely disappointed with his score of 1600. I think I will be very content if I got a 1600 on mine. I'm still going to take them again... and again.... and again. As long as it takes for me to get a really good score. I don't know whether I'll take them at Churchland again though. That school is so... BIG. And unless I get the entire junior class to go there at the same time, the chances of me knowing anyone in my room are very slim. I did know three people there, but none of them were in the same room as me.

Very disappointing. Now... I'm going to go look at the menu for P.F. Chang's and see if I want to go there for my birthday next week!

Ciao.

A finely tuned instrument of listening.

2008-02-28T01:26:47Z

In the grand scheme of things, I am a nothing. There are times when this fact seems to be shouted at me. I have a feeling that I give in a little too much. I'm really bad at keeping my own secrets a secret. I tried. But I barely got through twenty-four hours. However I did keep that one secret a secret for two whole years. And then ended it all in one simple moment. But I suppose it was okay because that was a good day anyway. I just ruined it is all.

I guess it feels good to be able to talk to someone about things. Even if it ends up multiplying to more than one person. Including my mother.... who I kind of wish I hadn't told. She'll never leave me alone now. Oh well....

I don't think I really have much else to say.

I didn't have any homework tonight.... there is nothing due for the next week and a half so far. I know that will change very soon, but still... this quiet peace has been nice. Although I have been VERY unproductive today. Well... what can you expect??

: ]

Time whispers good morning to the shady grove tree...

2008-02-25T22:36:21Z

Wouldn't it be nice if life were perfect?

I have often thought that my life would be a perfect soap opera.... I'm telling you, it just keeps getting better.

I had thought that eventually I would make my life into a story... but I just don't know how to begin it. I probably never will write this story... I'm too unmotivated by it now. And yet... I keep sitting on the edge of my seat, waiting for the next perfect line to record in my life story.

I suppose I have been rather selfish lately. I don't mean to be. In fact I think my life would be more imaginative if I thought more of others than of myself. I have been wallowing in my own self-pity... I thought I was having a heart change, I thought I wouldn't be worrying about things anymore... but my worrisome habits have returned... at least since yesterday.

I can't tell you how much I want to just disappear for awhile. I almost have my wish though. I'm kind of grounded right now. It's weird, I'm completely okay with being grounded. Though I think I'd feel better if my mom took my phone away. She can't though, then I wouldn't be able to call her when I got to school or when I got home.

Tomorrow and Friday I'm going to be working at Extended Care. I'm not REALLY excited about this... but I guess it will be okay. I think I'm getting paid for it anyway... so that's good I suppose. Although it would have been better if I was actually working WITH Johnny... instead of FOR Johnny. But that's okay, I'll probably work on my English paper tomorrow. And Friday I think I'll study for SATs. Seeing as I have to take them on Saturday. neat.

Okay.
I'm going to go study for Chemistry.

The Great Discovery

2008-02-16T21:36:47Z

I had never noticed my complete transformation until today...

I've had a complete heart change. I feel totally at peace. I've given my life completely to God... I no longer have to worry about things because I know that my life is in His hands. That's a line from a song... that I really want to listen to now...

Anyway... there are so many AWFUL things happening around me (I'm not going to disclose... just because I don't know if it's really true...and if it was, I don't want to draw attention to it.) But for some reason it didn't upset me at all. I just know that if something were to happen, then it would be because God wants it to happen. And that is just okay with me.

My mom spent most of the morning locked in her room... she wouldn't let anyone in... I'm not even sure how my dad got in there... I was pretending to be taking a nap. I had no one to talk to about it because my brother had left to get his stuff into his new apartment.

She wouldn't tell me why she was crying.... so I left it alone. I know why anyway... I just wanted her to tell me.

I'm not really worried. Like I said, my life is in God's hands. Even though what I overheard this morning was a little disturbing... and will change my life very drastically if it's true... I'll be okay. : )

wow.... I've never felt so brave before. So brave... and so scared at the same time.